In the year of 2012, I traveled, danced, got engaged, left my job, (slowly) moved out, got married, (slowly) moved in, taught dance, started a new job, started another new job, and learned a lot. I even blogged a few times. Following the lead of a couple sweet friends I treasure and admire, I decided to reflect on the year and jot down various (with no rhyme or reason) observations I’ve made about myself and my life.
// It has become clear to me that I only have 2 gears. I am either nonstop… or all stop. My dog and I are similar in this way. No, really. My husband often compares us (our personalities, of course), and he is not exactly wrong to do so. I am easily excitable and usually full of energy. Until I’m not. Until I’m exhausted and good for nothing and passing out curled up in a ball somewhere – anywhere.
// Longtime friends of mine may disagree with me on this next one, which is understandable, because it’s taken me 26 years to figure this out for myself. But, extraverted: I am not. I am finally sure of this and okay with it, too. I may appear to be such, around certain people given certain circumstances, but I am very much in need of alone time and space to regroup and refresh. The older I get (sooo ooollld!), the more I feel quiet, shy, and serious. Very much the opposite of how my personality is usually perceived, and yet, very much the honest truth.
// It is rare that I start a project and finish it, too. At some point this year, for about a week, I wrote some movie reviews that I was really proud of. I decided to continue doing this, as I am quite a movie snob – sorry, film snob – but I churned out a few good ones and then never again. When Richard and I tied the knot, I decided I should start to tackle this thing called cooking. Richard has since said that “the first few days of marriage were really awesome!” Meaning, the cooking thing didn’t take. If it weren’t for my mom and Tracey Rouse, I am not sure I would have even finished planning my own wedding…
// In 2012, I learned that the word “fiancé” is a really weird word to say (and I studied French for 5 years). Then I learned that “husband” is weird, too (and I’ve spoken English my whole life). But most certainly “fiancé” is weirder.
// I used to constantly write. Poems, journals, short stories, goals. You name it, I wrote it. When I recently wondered where that part of me ran off to, I realized I now only think best in inconvenient places: the shower, the car, the bed. Never, when I’m in a position to pen brilliant thoughts and ideas, am I near a computer or notebook. I think this has a lot to do with being nonstop/all stop. What happened to pause?
// I have tried and tried, but I’m hanging it up, folks. I do not enjoy beer. Thanks for the clarity, 2012.
// I do enjoy champagne. Very much.
// If someone had accused me a year ago of being a worrier, I would have vehemently disagreed. But I now know very well that there is (and has been) a huge, scary monster inside of me called WORRY. It rears its ugly head much too often, mostly when I haven’t heard from Richard in a while, when I know Richard’s driving somewhere, or walking, or breathing. I’ve joined heart and home and bank account with this man, and now suddenly, every move I/we make and decision I/we face is first met with much worry. Just as I’ve learned of this beast’s existence, though, I’ve learned its hold on me is but a nasty lie. From the devil. Or TV. I’m sure it will be a daily battle now that I feel responsible for more than just my-selfish-self.
// The past year has confirmed my belief that the best relationships happen naturally. Growing up and getting jobs and dogs and second jobs, and getting married or not, it all just means time with people you love is limited, and thus, those people are even more precious. Friends to whom I’ve become very close in the last year are the friends with whom I share something really significant, that connects us deeper than coffee talk. Moreover, I’ve learned that if it’s not working out, that’s okay. Not everyone is going to be my best friend… Which simply means, I’m clinging to my real best friends even tighter. Those I see often and those I never see. Soul friends, they’ve become.
// Speaking of friends, 2012 taught me that I have officially hit the Friend Jackpot. That is, in fact, a real thing. And I won. (Which has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with my rock star friends.) From the night Richard and I got engaged, to the night we got married (and since), I remained/remain overwhelmed by the love of dear friends. From phone calls and cards and gifts in the mail, to throwing showers, attending showers, traveling to showers, traveling to The Wedding, being in The Wedding, helping with The Wedding, (and the list goes on), people had my BACK. If I didn’t know it before 2012, the whirlwind year made it undeniable: I have the greatest friends in the world. Soul friends, indeed.
// Speaking of rock stars, I am now aware, more than ever before, that my family is full of them. And now my family has doubled, maybe tripled! (Richard’s family is big, y’all.) Talk about grace on top of grace and more grace. Over two years ago, I lost my last living grandparent, the one to whom I was the closest. My dear, sweet Mamies would not be physically present when I walked down the aisle to commit my life to another human. But God and Mamies sent me Mom Mom that day. Mom Mom is Richard’s last living grandparent and maybe the most precious person alive in the world. We shared very unexpected tears just a few hours before our ceremony, and this memory will be with me forever and ever. Thinking back on our rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception, of all the faces I remember, so many are incredible people I get to call family, “old” and new.
I could go on.
In summary, 2012 was a year of affirmation and celebration. I am loved, blessed, and all that. And so much more. Maybe I’ll write more often this year. Maybe I won’t. No matter what, though, I’ll continue dancing, traveling, working, learning, and simply enjoying and being grateful for each moment as it flies past me.